Umeå under christmas construction!

Sorry Nicklas. Christmas är på gång! Eftersom Renmarkstorget (Reindeer pasture square) ska få en julmarknad på engelska (Umeå Christmas Market) så skriver jag på engelska den här gången för alla turister och besökare...

Okee doo. Welcome every utlänning to Umeå! We are used to utlänningar in Västerbotten (Waste your bottom) since the Västerbottens Folkblad (Waste your bottoms peoples daily) once in the sixties published on their front page: NEGER PÅ SKIDOR I BURTRÄSK. Also famous trumpeter Lois Armstrong was here in 1959. To make him look like us they put a lappmössa on his head and published that photo in the newspapers. Same but different!
By the way Burträsk is also the home of the Västerbotensost (Waste your bottom cheese) that often is served at the Nobel Prize dinner in Stockholm. Västerbottensost is a must on every table for midsummer, påsk and christmas. In midsummer there is no must, but on christmas and påsk there is. Julmust is a must. Påskmust is the same with a new label.

Welcome to the city
with no hotelrooms!
You have probably landed at Umeå Airport. Some taxidrivers still call it Alvik. When there are no taxis in town they are all waiting all week at Alvik. (Thats why they call it so.)
We are sorry to say it’s hard to get a hotel room now because we are tearing many of the hotels we have to build new ones. You see, Umeå is going to be the European city of culture in 2014 and then we need hur många hotelrooms som helst! Hade we lived in Skellefteå (She left) had we already had them byggda för längesen! Why? Because in Skellefteå there is only Marklund and Lundmark to ask for permission to bygg. Local builder Hilding Holmqvist had no problems to get Hildings Buildings built in Skellefteå på nolltid! It’s harder with Umeå. Here everybody överklagar så fort anyone will build something.
The latest på tapeten is maybe the Bad House (badhuset) which by the way has been on the tapeten for the last forty years. Citizen (stadsbo) Urban (citizen) Bengtson has been a pain in the ass (smärta i stjärten) to us all discussing this BAD house every week in the local papers.

City of big blue balls
hanging over our heads
Oops. Builders now have found a porslinsskärva from potta (destructed peepan) from our ancestors – which will stop all activity until Umeå Byggnadsminnesförening (Sentimental rotten crawcastle defenders) will överklaga. It takes three months to do archeological research for more to find from the peepot and thank god for that!
Silence is golden for Umeå citizens and now we can listen to the wonderful computermusic coming out of the Rådhuset with no clock on the wall. Take a walk at the Gågatan (Watch out for Bicycle-Street) where you can see Big Blue Balls in the sky that tell us that chrismas is coming to town. In Renmarkstorget (Reindeer pasture square) we have our Christmas Market – in english this year – where you can shop local stuff from the inlandet: Smoked ham from reindeer, smoked ham from cow, smoked ham from ripa and smoked ham from siken – if Täftefiskarn is represented. If you want to get dizzy we recommend local pubs for dark christmas beers and hot glühwein we call glögg.
Oh! You did’nt get a hotel room? Well just ask local Big-Fix Martin Uddestrand if he maby has a reindeer-fur you can sleep on in a cottage at the Christmas Market. Primitive? No it’s genuine native exclusive. Good Morning!

Jaru Nicklas. Visst borde även VK, VF, Västerbottensnytt och TV4 lokalt också testa med att ha sändningar på engelska. Jag menar om Umeå ska bli internationellt?
BENNY KARLSSON

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